I’m not a big fan of artists who complain about parenthood as an obstacle to creating. In a 2009 essay in Poetry magazine entitled “As if Nature Talked Back to Me,” poet Ange Mlinko writes:
“…the plethora of conferences and grants and brief residencies by which cvs—and social networks, and reputations—are built, are no less restrictive to the poet-mother who might in time need a job (“the market economy that prices all materials”). The gulf between those who are mobile and unencumbered and those who are ruled by necessity is writ everywhere in corporate America; this is just another iteration of it.”
Mlinko is not actually complaining, or only a little. Mostly she’s expressing the dichotomy between “the embattled, doubt-ridden, mortal apprehensions of the poet, versus the mother who must connect, who must have faith and promote health, who must embrace creation.”
This is where I beg to differ. I think artists must connect and have faith and embrace creation too. As poet Marvin Bell said, “Art is the big yes.”
***
I’m a parent. Likewise, some of my friends and fellow writers are parents. Others aren’t. There are creatively productive people in either case.
My friend Hilary Zaid has published two prize-winning books in the last five years (twisty thriller Forget I Told You This and literary love story Paper is White), as well as essays and short prose, all while working full time and raising two sons.
My friend Doug Harrison is in a critically-acclaimed band called FEN, who are about to release their sixth album Dear Mouseafter a gap of 14 years. (Here’s a link to preorder!) In that gap Doug has put out a solo album, When You Were Living Here, written a novel and a bunch of short stories, and done a Masters degree in writing. Doug’s also a parent who works full time.
So it’s clear that you can be a parent and create art. Even I have toddled along with a few creative projects over the past couple of decades. My kids (now 18 and 23) were a consideration in how I created, but not an obstacle to creating per se.
A bigger obstacle by far was my need to make a living. Not just need, but desire. I like working. I like it a lot, especially when I’m self-employed. Running a business takes a lot of time, but it’s also creative in its own way.
***
People view parenting from all kinds of perspectives. Not to oversimplify, but here’s an oversimplification: some people want kids and either have them or don’t have them; some don’t want kids and either have them or don’t have them.
My own experience is that parenting children and creating art seem to operate on the same basic principles, but at different frequencies and with a longer arc for the humans. Both take time, commitment, money, and a willingness to slow down and take the world as it comes, rather than imposing your delusional ambitions on either your art or your children.
Once you have children, there’s no going back unless disaster strikes. We have the usual parenting tasks like feeding, cuddling, making sure they get to school, reading to them, helping them learn about friendship and responsibility, involving them in family stuff, supporting and encouraging their interests… teaching them how to ride a bike, take transit, drive a car, pitch a tent, do a load of laundry, etc.!
In some lives it’s a lot harder and the stakes are higher. You might be teaching your kids to survive war, extreme poverty, violence, racism, or other forms of abuse.The job is really to prepare kids how to navigate their external and internal worlds with some skills and some faith in themselves, so they can go on to live their independent lives.
Same with your art. Once the seed of a creation is planted, there’s no going back. (I have abandoned a couple of novels, but they still live on inside me and are part of my history.)
You’ve got to nurture your creative project from day one into fullness, with the understanding and hope that at some point you’ll be done with each other on the day-to-day level because it will be fully formed enough to go out into the world and do its thing.
Of course with kids, we hope for an ongoing give and take, a back and forth, a deep and continuing engagement until death.
Well, on that happy note, thanks for reading!
Cheers,
Pat
Lights, Camera, Action!
Part 1: I’m thrilled to have participated in a Q&A with Bianca Vandenbos (creator of Book Notions blog and review site). She asked some great questions and I loved delving into the answers. Read the Q&A here.
Part 2: I’m filming myself teaching the drip-fed version of Developmental Editing for Fiction, soon to be available from Editorial Arts Academy. Turns out I’m a fidgeter and a random grinner, which isn’t ideal.
Terror Awaits Us: As of this writing, it is about 15 days until the doors lock on three-day novelists all over the world. It’s a scary yet exhilarating period on the lead-up to the International 3-Day Novel contest. I have an urge to text everyone I know and announce I’ll be out of commission that weekend…except it’s really not necessary, amirite? I urge those of you who don’t have firm plans the weekend of Aug. 31 to Sep. 2 to ditch the world and write your hearts out. You will not regret it! If you decide to do it, Here’s an invitation to the Discord chatzone for 3-day novelists. (link is good for 7 days) Be sure to pop in and say hello, get tips, throw out research questions, and generally enjoy the mayhem with other weirdos.
New Horizons at 93: It is about 5 days until the movers come to shift my mother’s belongings from her home of 30+ years, where my dad died 23 years ago and where she fully expected to die herself. At 93 she’s getting a new pad at a place I’d love to live in, a seniors’ residence with a courtyard garden, three meals a day plus snacks, and all the activities you can hope for. It’s an 8-minute drive from my house, which is going to be so much easier than the current 45-minute drive to her place. Thank God I have siblings. We’ve been spending most of our spare moments prepping for the move. Wish us luck!
Book Bag
Creativity, Spirituality, & Making a Buck
by David Nichtern
Wisdom Publications, 2019
I read a lot of nonfiction and self-help, partly because I edit it, but also because I enjoy it. This is a business book in some ways, informed by the Buddhist training of author David Nichtern (composer, musician, and teacher). [For those who were alive in prehistoric times, he wrote Maria Muldaur’s goofy smash hit, “Midnight at the Oasis.” Press play on the image below to listen.]
I like Nichtern’s approach to the material. I’ve read enough books on creativity and on business to feel that there isn’t really a whole new slant on either topic floating around out there right now. It’s more about how the writer frames their ideas, and Nichtern’s framework is readable, interesting, and thought-provoking. Nine thumbs up.